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Here I will be discussing the aspects of growing old, living young, and being the person you want to become. Also, as life is to be enjoyed, I will be including some short stories for your entertainment. Entries will be tagged Fiction and Non-Fiction for your convenience. If you only want fiction, click the button below, and the same goes for non-fiction. I hope you will enjoy my writing style and voice. Stay tuned, as I will also announce when I complete my books.

Monday, September 24, 2018

All was Lost

All was lost.

I was sure of it. I had come to such an emotional low that I wasn’t sure I could continue anymore. I was so incredibly self-centered that I pushed everyone who was closest to me away. I came to the point one could only explain as rock-bottom. My wife and children left me, which I was sure was the right thing for me and for us. Then, something happened. It was like God smacked me in the head with a golden baseball bat.

I was sitting alone in my now empty home. No wife, no kids, just me. For the past few years it’s all I thought I wanted. But now that it’s all happened, I’ve realized that being alone isn’t what I thought it would be. Sure, the first few weeks we’re awesome! I was able to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. No rules. No arguments. No questioning my motives. After the first month though, being alone was just that: lonely. How did it end up this way? I was justified in my emotions. I was sure that I was right in asking for a divorce, asking for a way to break free of the madness she caused me.
Madness. Who’s the crazy one now? Everywhere I look there’s silence, brief echoes of children laughing down the hall, of the life I once had. I miss them. I want them to come back. If only the person I am now could go back six months, two years, and shake myself out of the self-centered mindset I was in. Then, I’d be happy.

“If only you would say I’m right and that my position is valid. Then, I’d be happy.” Impossible expectations and standards on everyone I loved. How could I have been such a fool to let the Devil take over my mind and soul?

Where are my parents, my siblings in all this? Well, in my pride and my self-righteousness, I pushed them away too. Didn’t think it was possible, but it turns out that when you judge and criticized others as much as I did, in the name of love, people start to disassociate with you to protect themselves. I perceived my existence as a way to help other people become better, but in actuality I was crushing their self-worth and demanding they live up to my standard of life.

All was lost.

I came out of the shadows. I apologized to everyone for my misjudgments and perceptions (or lack thereof). Although hard for me to accept, not everyone needs to live their lives the way I think they should. But since I believed that, I tore people down. I was superior in intellect and knowledge, I knew how they should live their lives better than they did. I was so full of pride, that I interpreted it as a form of love. I justified my incredulous opinions on others and as such was left alone.

But now, I’m different. I’m changing my ways. My knowledge isn’t supposed to be used to shove people down as some form of hard love. I’m supposed to lift people up and be a positive influence in there lives. Success isn’t about trying to force others to conform to my way of life, it’s about enabling others to find their own path using the tools I’ve created. I’m not perfect, and I’m okay with that now.

Unfortunately, not everything can go back to the way it was. I burned too many bridges and cut too many people too deep. I wish I would’ve known this sooner. I wish I would’ve listened to those who genuinely cared and tried to warn me. But I believed their opinion irrelevant because they are less intelligent than me, or have fewer degrees of education.

I find that I am like Thanos: Trying to cleanse the universe because I believe it’s the right thing to do, because my intellect deemed me worthy to make those decisions. Now, I have to ask myself every day. Was it worth the price? Was it worth losing everything and any ounce of respect I had left with those who love me?

No. It wasn’t.

And so, I am alone, all is still lost, and I have no one to blame but myself.

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